You Killed Yourself and These Were the Consequences!

       What did you do? How could you? You brought two children into this world who didn't ask to come. It was your decision. How nice! How good it turned out! You killed yourself! You killed yourself because life was hard. You were fed up with so many bad times and not having things the way you wanted them. Damn you! Problems that you brought on yourself. What a pain! It's so nice to escape and leave your traumas to other people.   

        Now the comments are that you were a good mother and that you loved your children very much. That you were depressed because the man you loved left you for someone else. Welcome to the club of thousands of women who are going through the same thing.

        In your free time you spent watching soap operas. Didn't you learn anything? The man always went with someone else. HELLO. Since I watched them I thought that if one day you went through this experience you would know how to work with the painful situation. You never read or watched anything that would edify you or teach you how to solve the real problems of life. Soap operas were just scripts of life. You idiot. So much education, so much knowledge, so many announcements of prevention and help. But no. You thought you were the first and only person in the world who is going through this situation.        

         I hate you right now for the damage you're going to cause. Your poor twelve-year-old daughter came home from school with her little brother. She found you supposedly asleep in the chair. She ran over to you to hug you and noticed that you weren't responding. She came to tell you that she got an "A" on the test you helped her study for. That her reward was going to the pool on Saturday with her friends! Her reward for the "A" was seeing you there dead.   

        She started shaking you in anguish. She yelled to her little brother to run to the neighbor to call 911. Tell him that mommy won’t wake up. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Run! Frightened and through her tears, she could focus her sight on several empty medicine bottles on the floor. She had watched a lot of television and soap operas with her mommy and empty bottles were not signs of anything good. She feared the worst. Her mommy tried to kill herself and maybe she was successful. “Mommy, don’t leave us, we need you.” The poor girl didn’t know that you had already died. I asked God to leave you there in spirit, so that you could see the anguish and pain that you were going to cause with your selfish act. The neighbor arrives and tries to move you. She takes your pulse and tries to give you CPR and she could only stay with your children while the police, ambulance and other agencies in charge of cases like these arrived.       

        Now the drama and the pain really begins. The police and other agencies arrive and you are there lying in an armchair, your children trying to figure out if they are to blame for your decision.

         You were declared dead and hours passed while the prosecutor arrived to give permission to remove your body. Your daughter did not want to move. She was crying inconsolably.

        They seemed like babies asking what they are going to do now without you. He wonders what will become of them since his father left Puerto Rico and started a new family. He never cared about them. He hit “DELETE” like on a computer and erased us from his life. The number of times you put this in his head and poisoned them with these comments and then killed yourself. At least he didn’t kill himself and is enjoying himself with another family. Alive.  

        We are making funeral arrangements. What we didn't spend on a trip to Disney we are spending to put you in a hole in the ground. What beautiful flowers! A very nice gesture. Flowers that were never given to you in life, now that you couldn't see them and enjoy them you had them there in abundance. WOW! Just like in your soap operas...drama and more drama.     

        Your son made you a promise that if you got up from the box, he promised to eat your vegetables, study more and bathe every day as you wanted. How sad that at his young age he feels guilty about your death. He doesn't understand that he had nothing to do with your drama. The only one to blame was your selfishness.           

        You know that man sitting in the second row at the funeral home? He's the one who's guilty of raping your daughter when she was thirteen. You weren't there to protect her that night. It took years of sexual abuse until someone finally noticed and the bastard is in jail.

        Your youngest son, the one who kissed you with so much love and promised you that he would buy you a house so that you would be happy. He will be one of the most loyal junkies or drug users in the town. He will be famous for stealing for his vice and the tremendous beatings he will receive for stealing.

        Your children, despite all the therapy, advice, churches and love, could not get the fact that you killed yourself out of their minds. Anything bad that happens to them will feel like God is punishing them for something they did and didn't know what it was. 

        Her father didn't feel a shred of remorse for his abandonment of them. He said that you were always crazy and by killing yourself you confirmed it and proved him right. Now he was the jewel and you were the crazy one. His new wife knows that she didn't get a prize with your ex but she already had two children with him. As a man it wasn't ideal but the situation wasn't bad either. Reality didn't suit him and he was responsible with her. She will allow your children to visit their father and siblings from time to time to treat them like dogs with mange. Your mother will take charge of confessing them every time they come home from the other house. Only to fill them with hate and resentment.   

        I hate you! Don't think I feel sorry for you. You were a coward. There's nothing wrong with feeling pain. We are born to feel joy and pain. Believe me, I understand what it feels like when the person you love leaves you. I understand the feeling that you can't seem to breathe, that your heart has just broken into pieces. I know what it's like to fall into depression. I'm not a robot. But we're alive and that's life. We fight.            

        You forgot the things you enjoyed. Your children, a good meal, listening to your favorite music. Being able to see the bad and the good in life is part of this reality. These are experiences that we have to feel or live to prepare ourselves for everything that lies ahead until natural death arrives. I bet that if you had won a prize or the Lotto you wouldn't have killed yourself. You should have seen your ex-husband's game as a prize. Maybe there was something better. But you didn't give yourself that chance. What a mess! The bad thing you did was that you brought two innocent beings into this world and then you killed yourself.      

        Did you know? Your son died of a drug overdose, alone and in a field under a bridge. He would stop there to ask for money for his addiction. There were all kinds of people. Just like in life: good and bad. There were people who gave him money and others who offered to take him to get help to quit his addiction, but there were others who sent him to work. Others threw empty bottles or cans at his body to hit him. The worst thing another human being could do to another was when they spat on him because of the disgust that the sores on his body produced. 

        He was destined to be an excellent student and become an executive at a global company. The sad thing about this was that the house he promised you as a child was bought for you. You were going to live like a queen. You avoided all that because you left him without your support and protection. Look at him dead, alone in a pasture full of ants.  

        Your daughter, who was destined for success, also couldn't understand the death of her younger brother. I blame GOD. Where was that wonderful GOD? You took everything from her, even the hope that there was a wonderful GOD who could help her. She gave up and did the same thing you did. What you taught her. She took her own life. She learned not to fight. Not to believe in anything or anyone. What a tremendous legacy you left her: not seeking help and feeling like the most helpless person in the world. The worst thing you did was make her believe that GOD didn't love her, that she was something insignificant to GOD.

         I wouldn't want to be in your shoes! Life is not perfect, it is just a script of life and like the scripts of novels we can change the lines and the endings. We don't have to repeat the same tragedies of each generation. We can break these patterns. It's all about not wanting to repeat the same curses and mistakes of families of the past. 

        I know that these are my feelings for now, but right now I hate you. I'm not going to repeat patterns. I know myself. My hate will be temporary. I know that my thoughts will also leave my mind, but I hope that every pain, every tear that you tried to avoid, that in hell you feel it 100%.

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